A small "hi" to this blog

OK, I have lots of blogs. Some of them are pretty much abandoned. Only on 2 of them am I really consistent with actually posting in.

Anyways.... this one is supposed to be my "Dear Diary, this is how the scale is going" that I have tucked away, that not too many people know about and that I don't have any of my other blogs linked to anymore.

Apparently though 7 people are subscribed to it in Google Reader (one of them being me). So hello 6 people, and other random people that may drop by.

I have been hiding out from this blog but I feel like I might be safely enough on solid ground to make a post.

I have been trying to get my ducks in a row regarding eating for a while. Mostly half heartedly and my determination generally not lasting more than 48 hours.

I wonder if being addicted to alcohol or some drug is anything like being an over eater? I saw my stepbrother this summer and he had slimmed down quit a bit but was still smoking. He said he knew he should quit (his dad died last year at 62 of lung cancer) but instead of bugging him about it I said "I can understand, you are addicted to it, and I am addicted to food". That led him to ask "What food?" but I tried to explain that it was not that I was addicted to any one food in particular. I just really like eating and the things I like most are always high in calories, fat, sugar and salt. If I really liked eating steamed vegetables that would probably be OK but that's not what I love to eat.

Is it harder to kick the habit of overeating because you can't go cold turkey on food? Well, some people try (very low calorie liquid diets for example) but show me one person who has lost 100 pounds doing that and kept it off. OK, I can actually think of one person who lost 100 pounds by basically being anorexic and has kept it off but for over a year but Anorexia is not the answer! Right?

Anyways.... currently I have kicked the habit of over eating, for now. However, I can get jump started back into over eating very easily and I will have to fight that forever. FOREVER! (begin pity party here)

So, after all this rambling here comes the disclosure.

At the beginning of August was my wakeup call. That electronic contraption in my bathroom read 216. I am 5 foot 9 so that is a BMI of 31.9

I notice that only 2 posts ago I said I was on track too. That was May. So, how long will I stay on track? That is the question.

No time for dicking around here. I am going to be 40 in just over 2 years. Having extra fat right now is a ticking time bomb as far as cancer, diabetes, heart disease. Given I have a very strong history of the last 2, I really should not be screwing around with this.

I will report back the first of each month. On September 1st my weight will be lower than 216. Failure is not an option.

DO YOU HEAR ME *future self*? Stop this nonsense now. NOW! No more screwing around. Period.

Clinging

Clinging to the hope that I can get a hold of myself. I feel strong today but how will I feel tomorrow.

I weighed myself on Monday and was utterly shocked. Not sure why I thought I was invincible but clearly I am not.

I have never seen this number on my scale. Ever!

I don't even want to share it here.

Anyways... I am clinging to hope. Step 1 is to stop gaining.

On a Small Roll

Not long ago I saw my worst non-pregnant weight number on the scale since 2000. Not good.

Somehow I have managed to get myself onto a small roll with my eating. Today was the fourth day of logging what I eat and staying under 2000 calories. Just need to keep going.

It is weird to feel hunger pain. Seriously. I have not felt hunger in a looooong time. I am good will power wise right now. I wonder what gets me un-good. I wonder how to avoid that.

There are definitely certain days out of each set of 28 (or so) days that I get totally wacked with my eating. I need to identify what days those are and nip them in the bud. Unfortunately this time I forgot to keep track of what day I'm at. I will try to pay attention to when the crazyiness starts though.

I've started writing down my food in a small paper journal that I'm carrying around in my purse. I've used this journal before. There is an entry in it near the front for Friday May 30th, 2008. Weight: 186. BF: 37%. I remember that I was not at all happy to be weighing in the high 180s. Guess what? A year later the scale reads 206 pounds and 43% bf. Holy schnickeys! Put on 20 pounds in a year. Fortunately 208 pounds on the scale is red alert territory and I have managed to put the brakes on.

Baby steps. I will promise to do a happy dance when my weight starts with a 19 again.

Boy do I ever hate starting over. Boy do I ever wish that I would not do this to myself again. Surrender to stress, surrender to hibernating inside my house in winter. Surrender to the urge to eat junk.

I am scared though. Scared because I know even if I get down to a weight that I feel happy with I will know that the unhealthy heavy me will be forever lurking and waiting in the wings for her next opportunity to come out.

I am lucky though. I have supportive friends and a supportive husband. I can do this.

Oh Crap!

OK. It pains me to post this.

206.4

WTF?

I really hope that spring will spur me back towards healthy me. This is ridiculous.

Read a cool post over at Ben Does Life. Guy went for a 17 mile walk. Why? Well he heard a cool song. Sounds like a good reason to me. 6.5 hours later he was done. This man has been on fire since January. Very cool.

I have been going through my photos to remove duplicates and hopefully back them up the CD etc. I came across a photo of my scale from last year. It was 183.6. Stupid me was unsatisfied with that at the time. Man. If I could time travel back and slap myself I would. 183.6 is much better than 23 pounds heavier.

Anyways. There is the ugly truth. Only place to go from here is down. Well, really clearly I could go up if I don't stop this bull shit. I will not let that happen.

My current weight is pretty much my worst ever. My worst ever is about 208 something. Close enough. I don't need to get any closer.

Doesn't it suck to undo all the hard work you have done and not even know why you did it?

Thurs Feb. 26th

201

Not making an effort obviously.

Feb. 5th Weight

Same weight as last week. (201)

Had 4 good days of eating and 3 not so good.

Seriously need groceries but did not work on Monday so have had to work Tues - Fri. and have not dragged myself to the store after work.

Getting sick. Have chest congestion with cough and now sore throat. Damn.

If I put my mind to it I could be in the 190s by next Thursday.

Weigh In - January 29th

OK. I am on the healthy wagon. Eating reasonable amounts. No junk. Doing my exercise.

Last week: 203

This week: 201
BF: 41%
BMI: 30.2

Nobody get excited until I get back to the 190s.

182 is my magic number of 'new weight'. I look forward to being there again.