On a Small Roll

Not long ago I saw my worst non-pregnant weight number on the scale since 2000. Not good.

Somehow I have managed to get myself onto a small roll with my eating. Today was the fourth day of logging what I eat and staying under 2000 calories. Just need to keep going.

It is weird to feel hunger pain. Seriously. I have not felt hunger in a looooong time. I am good will power wise right now. I wonder what gets me un-good. I wonder how to avoid that.

There are definitely certain days out of each set of 28 (or so) days that I get totally wacked with my eating. I need to identify what days those are and nip them in the bud. Unfortunately this time I forgot to keep track of what day I'm at. I will try to pay attention to when the crazyiness starts though.

I've started writing down my food in a small paper journal that I'm carrying around in my purse. I've used this journal before. There is an entry in it near the front for Friday May 30th, 2008. Weight: 186. BF: 37%. I remember that I was not at all happy to be weighing in the high 180s. Guess what? A year later the scale reads 206 pounds and 43% bf. Holy schnickeys! Put on 20 pounds in a year. Fortunately 208 pounds on the scale is red alert territory and I have managed to put the brakes on.

Baby steps. I will promise to do a happy dance when my weight starts with a 19 again.

Boy do I ever hate starting over. Boy do I ever wish that I would not do this to myself again. Surrender to stress, surrender to hibernating inside my house in winter. Surrender to the urge to eat junk.

I am scared though. Scared because I know even if I get down to a weight that I feel happy with I will know that the unhealthy heavy me will be forever lurking and waiting in the wings for her next opportunity to come out.

I am lucky though. I have supportive friends and a supportive husband. I can do this.